Who would win in a fight??

Its 03.10 and im bored so i decided that i would make this webpage so that anyone who decides they need to know, can find out who is harder. it is not however, a definitive list as i cannot be assed, but i will be happy to fulfil any requests (i only wish you could jo)

1. Spiderman vs. The Incredible Hulk
This one was hard to call initially, because you have to contemplate the depth of the powers each has. Spiderman has precognitive sense, and can stick to walls, yet the Hulk has incredible strengh and terrible rage. We all know how much harder we can hit in a fury, and sometimes it seems Spiderman doesnt take his work seriously enough. However, Hulk's rage will eventually run out, and untill that point, i believe Spiderman can dodge the majority of his hits, and get in some cheap shots from behind.
verdict: Strength vs. understated skill? Spidey can pull it off.

2. Lennox Lewis vs. Muhammed Ali
Well this fight would have been one of the greatest ever if it was possible to travel through time. Ali has the quick feet and wonderful jabs, lennox has his deadly hook and a mammoth reach. A monumentous bout that would shape the course of boxing history. Unfortuantely, no-one is willing to pay me enough for the secret of time travel yet so it can never happen
Verdict: Lennox Lewis as Muhammed Ali has parkinsons disease

3. Christina Aguilera vs. Britney Spears
This would be a great fight to watch because, like all the women in these fights, it would be done naked in some kind of sauce that i have to lick off. It is also the most hotly anticipated of the fights i have done so far. Since the first time Genie in a bottle played and christina hinted at her sluttiness in a line that sounded suspiciously like 'come on and lick me out', and britney appeared in that school uniform, we have been left wondering, what would they look like wrestling in some kind of chocolate sauce. I have the pictures but the point of this execise is who would win, so the pictures stay above my bed.
verdict: Christina suffocates britney between her thighs

4. George Bush vs. Saddam Hussein
The battle of the Facists. This is a very topical fight at the moment which led me to think hard about what actual fighting experience they had. It is clear to me that their upbringings would have been very different. Saddam given a fully-automatic at 12 and told to go and play in the yard, little bush thinking hard about what part of Russia to nuke, and then helping dad reunite Kuwait with it's oil. Both violent, both fascists, however ther are reports of there being more than 1 Saddam, which is definately an advantage
Verdict: Saddam has the past experience, Bush only has a war cabinet. Probably Saddam

5. Mo Mowlam vs. Anne Widecome
The ultimate battle of the ugly politicains is at hand. It is obvious that this fight would be excellent. Both of these woman could take extreme beatings, yet show no difference in the face. However, Anne Widecome has the size advantage, which will make all the difference in this fight. As far as i am aware, mo mowlam has no fighting abilities or a great agility, so may get her balding head beaten bloody. But, Anne widecome doesnt have fighting experience either, so the victor may just be the woman who wants it more. This fight is excluded from the 'women fight in chocolate sauce' rule i mentioned earlier.
verdict: Mo mowlam has lots of passion for politics, maybe an adventage in the ring? Widecome still flatens her.

6. Astro vs. Scooby
I'm sure some of you may be wondering why a fight as farcical as this has made the list. If you are, what the fuck is your problem? This isn't a serious website, in fact some of these fights never even happened, its just a way to pass my endless life (ooooh Jo! Why! u tempted fate jo, and he answered with that damn transvestite convention! Dam him!!) If i put aside my personal hatred for scooby-doo, i Would have to say that Astro talks better, so is probably more intelligent. This can only mean he's sneakier and more cunning. Scooby does have the loyalty of a gang who get him high, but the constant misuse of drugs has fried scooby's brain to the point where he is as responsive as a peeled cabbage. And gangs are not allowed in these fights as they are a one-on-one contest.
Verdict: Astro would rip Scooby's fucking annoying head off.

7. Daffy vs. Donald
A fight in a similair vein to the last, but this one deals with the worlds toughest duck, rather than dog. This one is harder to call, especially because i dont hate either one of them. It seems that donald is more cultured because he wears a shirt, although he may just be a pervert because he doesnt wear any trousers. However, Daffy can speak a lot better and doesnt spit on anyone so i think i will give them the same intelligence rating. It all comes down to fighting experience. Daffy is hunted constantly and hasnt died once, proving his excellent survival ability. Donald however, spent a brief spell in the army. Although now unoficially dis-charged, he is sure to have picked up some valuable knowledge on the hunter killer side of things. the most important thing to note is that Daffy always wins, unless against Bugs, and Donald is quite often on the losing end.
Verdict: i think daffy's luck will hold, and he can scrape victory

8. Stallone vs. Schwarzenegger
A legendary fight that people have been waiting for, maybe too long. The 2 greatest action heros of the 80's and early 90's to decide which one is the hardest action hero of all time. I think that former mr. universe Arnie has the strength advantage, however, frequently the films he is in contain nothing but violence -although T2 had a good plot, Arnie's crap acting was just perfect for it. Stallone has been in some films with good plots, like the first four rocky films, and cliffhanger. Stallone has also done some writing and directing, giving him the intelligence bonus. Unfortunately, intelligence may count for little in this fight which may again come down to the will to win.
Verdict: Arnie stole Sly's wife, and also wasted 1 1/2 hours of my life watching Junior. I'm giving it to Sly

9. Cartman vs. Tj from Recess
I'm going to try and put my hatred of the Recess film aside(u never could Jo!) for a minute and look at the facts. Same age, both hardly seen out hats, but that TJ is a little fucking twat! I hate him and his stupid American patriotism and crappyness in general. Such a crappy and unreal 8 year old. Fucking wholesome yank shit. Anyway, Cartman has the soul of evil -what he did to Scott Teneman- and enjoys kicking people in the nuts.
Verdict: The annoying twat eats his own parents, and cartman shoots him in the face.

10. Jason vs. Mike Meyers
One of many possible horror baddie battles, but probably my personal favourite. Against other mortals they cant die, but what will happen when we put them up against each other? well it is possible that they will continue to fight until the end of mankind and then, as they drift into the nothingness of space, they will put their differences aside and bond over killing the astronauts who save them, because at the end of the day they are both just misguided people who had trouble pasts and an unfortunate love of killing people. Either that or they fight the necessary 15 rounds and it goes to the judges.
Verdict: I think Mike has been going longer, and despite losing his head recently, is stronger than ever. Unfortunately, Jason recently became superhuman, so i think i have to give the fight to Jase.

This fight is for DAVE M - ranked minus 56 by colin white, friend rater, - who has some strange infactuation with Mrs. Thatcher. We all know she's hot but this guy takes it to extremes.

11. Maggie T vs The Queen
These two have been enemies since the early 70's, when a power hungry maggie threw a wild punch at the queen. From then on Mrs. T dedicated herself to becoming more powerful than the queen she hated. The queen herself thought nothing of this for some years, until she heard of a young woman who had miraculously became leader of the conservative party. She saw this woman and was reminded of the pain she felt all those years ago. When Maggie became ruler, the queen was waiting in 10 downing street as maggie came home. She switched on the light and was caught on the face with the biggest diamond ring you've ever seen. The queen went for a backhand attack, but maggie caught it in her teeth and bit off the queens index finger. With her finger detatched, the queen got mad. She headbutted Mrs. Thatcher and then kicked her in the balls. The fight went back and forth like this for hours, until Maggie had the queen on the ground, and was beating her head off the ground with an animal like savageness.
Verdict: God Saved the queen once, he wont do it again.

12. God vs. Satan
For many, this fight is seen as the ultimate battle of good versus evil, and although i disagree, i would back them if i was getting a cut of the gate. It would certainly be a brilliant fight. God, against the man exiled to become ruler of all evil, a stupid move i thougt. So for millenia god has allowed satan to gather minnions and collect peoples souls. All the while god himself allows his armies to dwindle as he proves himself to no one and allows us all to be tempted by biblical evils such as eating meat on a sunday. Also, if you spend an afternoon reading the old testemant you will see that god is extremely vengeful, and almost as evil as satan. Clearly he would want to rid the world of a man who has done nothing but evil. Potentially, neither men are limited by conscience, so the fight will come down to who has the greater will to win.
Verdict: Although using armies is forbidden, if satan gives me a Dodge Viper, and god demands i worship him, I will chose the Satan's offer every time. The minnions carry away gods face.

This fight is for Lewis D, who took time out of his busy lifesaving work, and his fraud, to think of a fight

13. Daphne vs. Velma
As well as being in the running for being hottest cartoon character of all time, Daphne has a sound knowledge of Tai-Bo, which would come in extremely useful in a fight. I was thinking of wether or not to make this pair fight in sauce, so i tried making velma look good. We made her lose weight and gave her contacts and worked on her for 4 1/2 months, untill she became acceptable for our sauce. Some people think that Velma is intelligent, but this is a lie. She only ever works out who it is AFTER they have had their mask taken off, By which time everyone already knows. So Velma is more annoying and doesn't do any martial arts to keep herself fit, but her hatred of Daphne is legendary, and this fury may spur her on in the ring/paddling pool we keep the chocolate sauce in.
Verdict: If Daphne focuses on the fight rather than the hot guy refereeing, me, she can't lose.

Another fight for lewis. so far the biggest contributer to the site, and most likely to pick up £100.

14. Homer Simpson vs. Peter Griffin
This is a fight to the death of one of these cartoon dads. It is not however a fight which decides which series is funnier. It would be unfair to compare the new simpsons in it's 12th series when they are shit, to family guy thats still quite new. So this is just some hardcore cartoon violence. The battle of the fat cartoon dads, despite both having bigger breasts then britney, is also excluded form my sauce rule. The actual fight should be fairly even. Both are stupid, although homer has the experience of fighting. During whacking day, homer showed his true fighting power. However, Peter G is no stranger to fighting. He had an insane fight with a guy in a chicken suit at the start of one episode, and is also no stranger to bouts of violence. probably because he's based on homer. I think the deciding factor will be that peter G is irish. This makes him good at explosives and remote controled mortar cannons and such like. Obviously a huge advantage in a death match.
verdict: Huge mysterious explosion which, if it kills civillians, no-one takes credit for kills them both.

This fight is for vicky, ranked 9th on 230 points - who was so desperate to be mentioned she...did things i cant mention without getting us both arrested

15. Ozzy Osbourne vs. Tommy Lee
This is a battle of two of the most hardcore rockers of their generation. Ok they were different hardcore, but still both extreme. Ozzy, insane extreme, and tommy lee into groupies, and fighting and the usual hardcore rocker stuff. Of course ozzy would win in a coke-snorting-challenge, but this is a fight so thats just a little personal victory for ozzy. Both of these men are into fighting, but as i've said ozzy was always out of his face on something, and was a bit mad anyway. So tommy lee would be more undestandable and calm, but then a dog with no tongue and colin waiting for its tail to go up would be more sane and mellow than ozzy. Of course i cant bring up tommy lee on the internet without mentioning sex tapes. To watch him and pamela anderson just type it any search engine you want, and watch the page fill with links. The fight would be good to watch, although ozzy couldn't even manage to kill his wife, and i'm sure tommy's into some kind of kinky sex that ended up with a dead groupie.
verdict: ozzy off drugs would hide in the corner and cry, ozzy on the amount of drugs he took wouldnt know where he is. Tommy wins.