by Matthew Howland

 

One fine winters evening, a small orange fellow named Tazz was walking briskly down the street, and for good reason too, for he was been followed by a smaller, slightly stranger young man named Lamont. Upon rounding a dark corner into a dark alley, Tazz proceeded to slow down and allow Lamont to catch up. BAM! One punch and Lamont hit the deck like a sack of old shite. Now that we have removed the awful character of Lamont from the story lets get to the point, Tazz is a strange perverted man. The day after he obliterated Lamont, he decided to go to Ernest 'The Cat' Miller's house. Unfortunately The Cat was not home, and all to be found was an obviously stoned Michael Winner and The Cat's mother. Tazz decided to kidnap Mrs Cat, to the amusement of a shallow eyed Winner, who at best could muster a wry smile from under his saggy face. The ransom note was simple - return all six of Steve Austin's watches currently in the possession of the Watch Thief Monkey (of doom), or pay the consequences, where consequences = the insurance for the loss of six fine watches. Returning to his house to find Mother gone came as quite a shock to The Cat. OH YES! So what else could he do but catch a train (A-Train) to the Watch Thief Monkey's cottage. Ernest drummed on the door with all the subtely of a small hippo. No reply.  BAM! Ernest wiped out the door with a brutal side-kick, only to see das Monkey doing little else but humping a small panda. The Monkey looked upon and asked that age old question that has puzzled many - I like your dodes...question mark? The Cat, incredibly bemused at this stage, decided to just wipe out the monkey with another roundhouse kick, screaming 'somebody call my mama' whilst battering him to death to cries of 'Stop Stop hes already dead' from the panda. To celebrate the Cat decided to strip down to his underpants and dance to the tune of 'Slam Dunk The Funk' by 5ive. The panda generously donated most of his skin to the Monkey, who was reeling against the ropes at the shock of losing his life. In the meantime, The Cat went round Tazz's house, beat down the door, battered Tazz and took home his mother. As for the watches, nobody knows what happened to them, and quite frankly nobody cares.