INT. DINNER PARTY (Guests talking)

GUEST1: "... Exactly! The way they are _crushed_ inside those lorrys..."

GUEST2: "...vets hit them with planks - _vets_ -"

GUEST3: "...and hormones make them so huge they're in agony!"

CM: "Listen _boo-hoo_ about calves, they do that with crabs, I don't see you weeping about crabs."

GUEST2: "Well I think every animal has as much right to decent treatment as we do."

CM: "You're _wrong_ - and you're a _grotesquely ugly freak!_"

(Stunned silence)

CM: "Thanks."

(Chris leaves the "room", actually a studio mock-up - he addresses the CAMERA)

TITLE: (Christopher Morris)

CM: "Animal rights. It's an extremely controversial subject, and it's not just the odd dinner party punch-up over squealing meat."

(Slaps a side of meat, strung up abbatoir style)

CM: "It's the Spaniards chucking horses out of church towers, the Chinese sucking the brains out of live monkeys, and now this - a shocking example taken from a recent Libyan news."

CUT TO:

LIBYAN NEWS REPORT (Libyan news footage of barbaric festivities)

TITLE: (WORLD FACTS AT NIGHT, Blessed Action Channel)

VOICEOVER: Chris Morris

CM: "The footage shows a ritual from the feast of "Aid A Labd Dah", an outdoor celebration, in which the men of Tripoli have a great time - but the same can not be said for their cattle. At the climax of the feast, a cow is rounded up, and driven into a metal tube - a tube which is charged with explosives."

(The cow is seemingly fired from the makeshift cannon)

CM: "The cow is fired through the air, and lands in a crunched-up bone-heap. Running men then clobber any remaining life out of it, with their fists and feet and sticks. The body is dragged about, and then left for the dogs and jackals. And possibly scorpions if they eat meat I don't know."

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (Chris Morris, hanging upside down next to sides of meat)

CM: "Tonight on Brass Eye - animals; are we too nice, or too nasty?"

CUT TO:

INTRO SEQUENCE: BRASS EYE

CUT TO:

VOICEOVER, OVER LIBRARY PICTURES: Chris Morris

CM: "Over the centuries, man's relationship with animals has been complex. In ancient Egypt, felines were worshipped because the Egyptians thought they were funny. Many of today's familiar relics are cat monuments. These vast cat-heads were built underground, and seen by no-one."

GRAPHIC: (Two pyramids, a cat-head graphic superimposed underneath the ground shows them to be "ears")

CM: "Europe too has it's animal traditions - in Zaradosa, the streets still get crazy with the annual running of the wasp."

(Crowds of people running from... nothing, in a style similar to the Spanish bull-runs)

CM: "In Britain in the last century, it was quite acceptable for a young gentleman to lose his virginity to one of London's many "whoredogs". Dickens and Prince Albert both boasted of their experience."

(B&W footage of a dog walking around in a dress, (c) British Dog Archive>

CM: "Today, animals are used more discreetly - as a vital lubricant, in the wheels of government."

FP: "It was my job for seventeen years, to procure wild beasts for the er, Houses of Parliament and to get bats, gibbons -"

CM: "Ex-civil servant Foster Pann purchased over a thousand animals to work in Westminster.

TITLE: (FOSTER PANN, Perm. Sec. for Beast Procurement 77-95)

FP: "Michael Heseltine finds it very useful, erm, if he's angry to have an ape to slap. Kenneth Clarke has a baby moose in a cupboard."

CM: "The most common use of animals are zebras - hurrying between offices with documents pinned to their bodies."

FP: "Tony Benn had a tapir in the seventies that used to send messages on round Whitehall... Rude messages to the lords ha ha I always remember he used to pin to the head of the tapir, ha ha ha. Most of it was great fun, I enjoyed the job, the only difficulty I had was er, trying to haul a basking shark up the Thames - Jack Ashley. It didn't really work out, it died after about three days of being tethered to the terrace. Jack was quite unpopular after that for a while."

CUT TO:

EXT. LONDON PUB, DAY

CM: "So much for the fat brass of Westminster, but this East London boozer knows all about animal abuse -"

(Hits back-door, a dog barks)

"- because here, every week, beer-users gather to watch large men fight with weasels."

CUT TO:

HIDDEN FOOTAGE (Weasel fighting)

BL: "There's normally about forty - forty men in a room, standing round in a ring, and a bag above your head. Somebody pulls a string, the weasels cascade out onto you, and you've got as short a time as possible to er dispatch them all. I've seen men die weasel-fighting."

TITLE: (BERNARD LERRING, Former Weasel Fighter)

BL: "When you're fighting a weasel it's bigger than a man. And there is money in it, if you're good there's other perks as well. The women; they fancy you if they see you kicking the shit out of a weasel."

CM: "After thirteen years in which he pulped over four thousand weasels, Bernard Lerring suffered a compound nervous breakdown."

BL: "I lost it, and er, I just picked up a living doing otters, which are very easy, are very docile animals, and erm, even when they pump them full of rat hormones which they do - you could kill an otter in about a second... just kick it's face off."

CUT TO:

EXT. FOX HUNT

CM: "There are many legal sports that kill animals too."

TITLE: (PATRICK DA FRONK, Master of Hounds, Blesney Hunt)

PDF: "I think the thing that, that people get fussed about is that a fox is, is a small brown furry animal very much like a dog, erm, I don't think they'd be nearly so worried if it was a little four-legged car, full of chips."

CUT TO:

GRAPHIC: (Man Vs Animal evil continuum paradox)

CM: "The evil in our relationship remains a paradox. If you plot "number of animals abused" against "what makes people cruel" versus "intelligence of either party", the pattern is so unreadable, you might as well draw in a chain of fox-heads on sticks. And if you do that, an interesting thing happens - the word "cruel" starts flashing. So, are we cruel to hunt foxes?"

CUT TO:

EXT. FOX HUNT

PDF: "The fox feels nothing. It's made of, string."

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERT (A bus driving along a desert road)

CM: "Or are we too nice? This is a bus-load of flies that are being sent on holiday to Africa. They'll enjoy Somalia - but should they?"

CUT TO:

INT. LABORATORY

CM: "Can it possibly be right for gene-men to play with DNA?"

(A scientist cradles a mutant fusion of cat and chicken)

S: "This one, erm, survived a couple of days then just keeled over and died."

CUT TO:

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD (A man chasing a chicken along the road)

CM: "Is this wrong?"

CUT TO:

EXT. FARM, DAY

CM: "How on earth can you justify this?"

(A balaclava-clad man machine guns pigs, out of frame)

CM: "And has anybody ever come up with a reasonable argument for this?"

(Chris knocks on door - a man answers, with a bird peeping out from his trousers)

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (Chris Morris, standing)

CM: "Of course, animals and man have co-existed since long before we all evolved. But while cruelty still makes our hearts bleed like fresh operation scars in a hot bath, our daily language is full of abuse with expressions like "frog-stupid". Why? For some answers, David Jatt asked Carla Lane for them."

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (David Jatt, Interviewer, and Carla Lane sit either side of a low round table)

TITLE: (CARLA LANE, Animal Rights Campaigner)

CL: "I saw something in the 'paper this morning waiting, a bulldog mauled a girl, we don't want that."

DJ: "No."

TITLE: (David Jatt)

CL: "But, when you read on -"

DJ: "We wouldn't like a girl to maul a bulldog either."

CL: "No."

DJ: "No."

CL: "But when you read on, you learn that some boys _threw_ the bulldog into the garden, to get a fight together -"

DJ: "Yeah."

CL: "Now the bulldog was put down, but, nobody said "what did they do to the bulldog before they put it in the garden?"

DJ: "They take the tail, they wind it up like that -"

CL: "Yes."

DJ: "They crank, they tweak it's central nervous system and it goes like a bloody rocket."

CL: "Yes."

DJ: "And the fact is -"

CL: "But they put it down, no thought -"

DJ: "No of course - now they put the dog down; what would you like to see happen to the people that wound up it's tail and fired it off like some elastic-powered dynamo -"

CL: "There are no words to describe, prison's not good enough -"

DJ: "No.

CL: "- because prison's become bed and breakfast and telly."

DJ: "Prison's too good."

CL: "Erm."

DJ: "What about gaol?"

CL: "Perhaps they ought to be..."

DJ: "They should have their, their cocksics twisted, that would sort them out."

CL: "Yes, and now people are going to say..."

DJ: "Can I just say, this which has been prepared by the news-graphic people, represents what's going on in one way, is that the sort of thing that you would agree with?"

David Jatt holds up a meaningless pie-chart, with sections "HOPE", "FEAR", "PROTECTION", "ANIMAL PERCEPTION OF EVENTS" and a red highlighted section "HUMAN VERSION OF EVENTS")

CL: "Human version... Yes, I think so, because I've been twenty years -"

DJ: "I'll bet."

CL: "- going to the ministers, and they're finding out -"

DJ: "Ah -"

CL: "- what man does -"

DJ: "Yeah -"

CL: " - not only to calves and sheep -"

DJ: "But -"

CL: "to everything -"

DJ: "Ah -"

CL: "- frogs legs they're onto -"

DJ: "Weasel fighting in the East End."

CL: "Everything."

DJ: "I mean pulling _live_ weasels out of the wild -"

CL: "Ooh."

DJ: "- and making them fight a man."

CL: "Yeah. And you know, they have, they do have -"

(David sighs loudly)

CL: "- endearing wonderful habits animals, I had two guinea pigs and they were both eleven weeks old -"

DJ: "Jesus."

CL: "- and one died -"

DJ: "Yep."

CL: "- and do you know just before it died it washed it's little face."

DJ: "From what you're saying, have we got it right or wrong, so far?"

CL: "What, people?"

DJ: "People."

CL: "Wrong. A hundred million times people wrong."

(The CAMERA zooms in on the "right/wrong-o-meter", the arrow is pushed by David fully into "wrong" territory)

DJ: "What chance of getting even here, let alone here?"

(David pushes the arrow, first towards the halfway point between right and wrong, then to the fully "right" half of the board)

CL: "Oh dear. Not much."

DJ: "Here?"

(David pushes the arrow only an inch or so from the fully "wrong" point)

CL: "Never in my lifetime or yours."

DJ: "Just watch this then -"

CL: "How many thousand years -"

DJ: "- we're trying this -"

(Moves the arrow - wiggles it)

DJ: "- and there's a tension - and it's just gonna go back like that."

CL: "I think so."

CUT TO:

WW2 FOOTAGE: (Animal News)

FEMALE VOICEOVER

FV: "During the Blitz when many clocks were destroyed, Londoners could tell the time by watching a dog throw itself off a high-board - which it did precisely every sixty seconds, twenty four hours a day for over eight months."

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (Chris Morris, standing)

CM: "Institutionalised cruelty, is one thing. But the twisted brain-wrong of a one-off man-mental, is quite another. Ted Maul disturbs."

CUT TO:

EXT. FIELD (Ted Maul, standing) DAY

TITLE: (TED MAUL, In the distance)

TM: "Arable Wiltshire. A peaceful country haven supporting rural life like something out of a cheese ad. It doesn't look troubled -"

(CAMERA ZOOMS v.fast up to Ted Maul)

TM: "- but it is. At least for one of these cows. They've some money, this -"

(Holds up aerosol paint can)

TM: "- and a human mind as bent as a bad hedge."

(Sprays the CAMERA)

VOICEOVER: Ted Maul

TM: "Six months ago life for a cow here at Park Farm was pretty much like this."

CUT TO:

EXT. FARM: (Ted Maul) DAY

TM: "Nothing much going on here."

VOICEOVER: Ted Maul

TM: "But last June out of nowhere, anti-cow slogans started appearing on the sheds."

(SLOGAN: "Cowe gonna Be chopps")

TM: "The text specifically designed to undermine the cows' confidence."

(SLOGAN: "DONT LOOK OUT COW" - a train is pictured travelling towards a cow)

TM: "Local press caught whiff of a weird-one when the vandal shot his paint straight at the cow in the form of words like "twat", and later "fucknut" and "arsecandle", as the campaign plunged into overdrive. Next came a wave of sick attachments - cow attached to a filing cabinet -"

(A cow chained to a filing cabinet is shown)

TM: "- cow attached to a Mini engine in a shopping trolley."

(A cow chained to a shopping trolley, Mini engine inside)

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE (Ted Maul on the phone)

TM: "What sort of mind would do this? We contacted a huge bank of psychiatrists in the States. They told us: "the guy's a homo".

(Ted holds mic up to the phone - "definitely a homosexual")

CUT TO:

HIDDEN CAMERA FOOTAGE (Vandal - "Chob" - talking to a cow via a microphone)

TITLE: (Farmer's Son's Handicam Footage - from a window)

TM: "Then, a breakthrough - the vandal was caught on camera. This farmer's son's handicam footage shows him at work."

C: "Go on, fuck off."

TM: "Whispering inept insults down a wire, straight into the cow's head."

C: "You don't even know what electricity is do you? Little planets in the wire isn't it."

TM: "The man was Simon Hottrin - known locally as Chob."

C: "Push off my wire."

TM: "He does odd-jobs and lives in a field."

C: "Toss-arse."

TM: "But that night, Chob had discovered a bad new hobby."

C: "Idiot, fucking idiot idiot idiot idiot idiot. Stupid, stupid fucking idiot."

TM: "It seemed the resulting court action would be an open-and-shut case. But it wasn't - these pics from the Beeb's western region show. Local feeling ran high. Once activist got so angry he donned a cow suit, and lammed Hottrin right outside the court."

(A man in cow suit hitting Hottrin outside court)

TM: "Wow he chopped him in the gob! And he's legged it. Great running."

CUT TO:

EXT. CARAVAN (Ted Maul confronting Hottrin/Chob)

TM: "He may have been free, but Chob owed the world an explanation."

SH: "Right you I'm gonna muck your lens right! You gay sod!"

TM: "Hottrin prevented himself giving us a real interview, but during our visit we gleaned vital clues from some documents we nicked from an open window."

GRAPHIC: (Overlaid onto the TV picture, showing the path of the stolen docs etc.)

TM: "These docs show that Hottrin had been driven nuts because the land on which he lives is _owned_ by the cow. In the will of Edith Bates, a local crone who loved cattle - then eccentric, now dead - the cow inherited the land, and a special bank account for stockpiling rent."

TM: "Meanwhile for the beast - which knows nothing of money or bitter mankind - life has become a living "cowmare", thanks to the thoughtless benificence, of a mad old woman."

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (Chris Morris, standing)

CM: "So far do we have it right or wrong? Let's have a look at the Answer-Prancer -"

(The Answer Prancer dallies about on a giant "right/wrong" floor)

CM: "Thanks. Find out exactly what to think, next."

VOICEOVER: Chris Morris

CM: Still to come up - David Jatt meets Peregrine Worsthorne.

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (David Jatt, Interviewer, and Peregrine Worsthorne sit either side of a low round table)

TITLE: (SIR PEREGRINE WORSTHORNE, was Editor of the Sunday Telegraph)

DJ: "Here's a point - we execute wasps, but we don't execute dogs."

PW: "We execute wasps because they sting us, and dogs give us pleasure."

DJ: "Do wasps really sting us?"

PW: "Well, I do, I I I, they have stung me, it seemed like a sting."

DJ: "Was it actually a sting?"

PW: "Err, I call it a sting. I mean -"

DJ: "You see, I've _never_ been stung by a wasp. I don't necessarily believe, we're told they sting."

PW: "Well, er I have been stung by a wasp and they do sting."

DJ: "People say that snakes sting, and snakes bite."

PW: "I haven't been stung by a snake I'm glad to say -"

DJ: "Well that's because they bite."

PW: "If I hard, or bite."

DJ: "Now that, _weirdly_, I believe and yet I've never been bitten by a snake. Why don't I believe, why do a lot of people not believe that wasps sting?"

PW: "Well, err, come out into our garden, in South Bucks, er in a summer's day and I'll find you a wasp, and I think -"

DJ: "Sting me with it?"

PW: "What?"

DJ: "You'd sting me with a wasp?"

PW: "This is a conversation -"

DJ: "Yes."

CUT TO:

INTRO SEQUENCE: END OF PART ONE

PART TWO

INT. CLASSROOM (Teacher addressing pupils)

VOICEOVER: Chris Morris

CM: "Before it all stops - a school tour for the Oxford don who believes all animals are vegetarian."

JK: "Now - what do Crocodiles eat? Natalie."

PUPIL: "Other animals."

(Oxford don punches child, she moans in pain)

JK: "No, they eat grass."

CM: "Why wildlife documentaries are often misleading..."

(Oxford don being interviewed by a female interviewer)

FI: "There's some very famous footage of a lion killing a wildebeest. How do you explain that?"

TITLE: (DR. JONATHAN KWATTES, Intestines Expert, Oxford University)

JK: "The lion may have been _chasing_ the wildebeest, in fact it was chasing it to catch up with it to give it a potato."

CM: "And can animal breeding go too far? A discussion point for David Jatt and _horse_-jumper Oliver Skeete."

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE (David Jatt and Oliver Skeete, sitting on a bench)

DJ: "Is it because they don't have legs, that makes spherical cows so bad, or is it because there's some kind of cruelty involved, I mean what what what what what what what what?"

TITLE: (OLIVER SKEETE, Showjumper)

OS: "I, I'm not actually sure what they do to the cows, right."

DJ: "Well they breed them in a particular direction, interfere with their genes so they're just a big ball of meat."

OS: "No, well you see I I wouldn't like to eat that, definitely if I knew I was eating that I would, I would go absolutely mad, it's like somebody putting... puh, I don't know - a bit of snot in a bit of bread and giving it to you, it's the same thing -"

DJ: "Really, that sort of thing?"

OS: "Yeah."

DJ: "Somebody's at a restaurant, to give you this scenario right, somebody out there, and they get what they think is a piece of spherical cow on their plate, what do they do?"

OS: "They just eat it don't they."

DJ: "Yeah but what _should_ they do for god's sake, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!"

OS: "I mean what they should do really is make a stink about it, they should start phoning up people and start complaining about, you know the meat that they're eating."

DJ: "This came from is a spherical cow, how dare you sell this to me?"

OS: "That's right, of course."

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (Chris Morris, standing)

CM: "There was more good news for animals with Mike Fox's elephant campaign last month. Let me explain - if this elephant was called Mike Fox, then it would have exactly the same name as the man that did the campaing about the elephant last month."

(Chris gestures to elephant in studio, "Mike Fox" chalked on it's side)

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE: (Mike Fox and Andrew Dean)

VOICEOVER: Chris Morris

CM: "Mike Fox and Andrew Dean. These men _hate_ zoos. Together, they run the World Organisation For Decreasing Captive Animal Problems - WOFDCAP - which incorporates Against Animal Anger And Autocausal Abuse Atrocities in Zoos - AAAAAAAZ. Two weeks ago, they read about Karla - an east German elephant who'd been so upset about captivity, she'd stuck her trunk in her anus. In seconds, a campaign was born - to publicise Karla's plight in a video, and tell the world about "zoochosis" - the disease that drives animals nuts. Jilly Cooper was busy writing a book."

TELEPHONE CONVERSATION: (Mike Fox & Jilly Cooper)

JC: "Hello?"

MF: "Hello, has Jilly come out of her shed?"

JC: "Yes speaking."

CM: "But Fox persuaded her to send a drawing of Karla, in her plight."

MF: "Thank you very much for your picture."

JC: "Ohh."

MF: "And we showed it to Karla -"

JC: "Ohh."

MF: "- and I think she gave a little elephant smile."

JC: "Oh I love that, I want to cry that's sweet."

MF: "The zoo is, you know, still not acknowledging the problem so -"

JC: "They are bastards!"

MF: "But she could be accomodated by Jimmy Page."

JC: "Absolutely, I mean the only matter's that it's a terrible year for me 'cause of this _bloody_ book -"

MF: "Oh bloody book!"

JC: "Oh duck I'm, you've made me very happy."

MF: "Alright Jilly, thanks."

JC: "Nice to talk to you, bye."

MF: "Bye..."

CUT TO:

INT. DRESSING ROOM: (Britt Ekland, standing, wearing Jilly Cooper's drawing on a T-shirt)

VOICEOVER: Chris Morris

CM: "With Jilly's drawing on her shirt, Britt Ekland told the world about WOFDCAP."

BE: "Last year, they stopped penguins catapulting each other through the glass roof at Sydney Zoo. Last month, they stopped a pig threwing itself out of a tree onto a python in a two-way death-pact, in Chester. Now they want to help Karla, an east German elephant who has got her trunk, jammed up her own guts."

(Britt Ekland turns around, and the text on the back of her T-shirt reads: "Her Trunk is plugged with Dung (in her anus) It's absolutely disgusting!")

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE: (Paul Daniels)

PD: "I can't understand the mentality or the physical make-up, mental make-up, of anybody who lets an elephant get into that condition."

CM: "Paul Daniel's contribution moved all that saw it - to horrible tears."

PD: "Karla the elephant is currently curled up in a kind of a grey ball. Her trunk is actually stuck up her anus, and they're not trying to help her, so we must. (I'll give you another one that you can cut in later, I'll just say that, and you can cut it in later, yeah, well go to the elephant, go to somewhere else alright, and, still rolling? ... ) Come on - help us get that trunk out."

CM: "And so thank christ for Wolf the Gladiator, who joined not a moment too soon."

W: "Urgent news. Karla has started to ingest her own head. Her dung-pump mechanism has blown. There's bloody vegetable gas everywhere. For god's sake, help us pull her trunk out. She needs _Wolf-power_, or she will explode in a shower of pulped yams. Please help me, and AAAAAAAZ, get Karla's trunk out the end of her guts."

CM: "With that ace burst of Wolf, the WOFDCAP appeal was ready for it's final phase."

CUT TO:

INT. DRESSING ROOM: (Nicholas Parsons sitting on a bed)

NP: "You've heard a great deal about Karla, the poor little elephant in this east German zoo who's suffering horrendously, horribly. Desmond Morris, the great anthropologist, the author of "The Naked Ape", who understands more about animals than probably anybody, has written this little poem about Karla, I'd like to read it to you."

Aren't we a bunch
Of fuckwits
An elephant could no more
Get it's trunk up
It's arse
Than we could lick our balls

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (Chris Morris, standing)

CM: "Well after that we're obviously pretty close to a solution, there are three points to remember - firstly cruelty has _not_ been eliminated, these two goats are going to box each other's heads in next weekend - and there's nothing the law can do about it! On the other hand, we can be too nice. This woman -"

(Gestures to woman on monitor)

CM: "- spent her life savings on plastic surgery to make her dog look like Ralph Fiennes."

CUT TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM: (Woman sitting with "dog")

TITLE: (GRANITA ROCKSAND, Plastic surgeoned her dog)

GR: "I think it's a little bit of an improvement on the original."

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (Chris Morris, standing)

CM: "Well the way ahead's obviously through compromise, next month sees the introduction of new regulations for slaughter houses."

(Turns to a slaughter house worker)

TITLE: (BILL LASWELL, Slaughterhouse Foreman)

CM: "How are these gonna work?"

BL: "Ah yes, well we kill four hundred cows a week, and to redress the balance to some extent, we'll be slaughtering one member of our staff every six weeks approximately."

CM: "That's where he comes in."

BL: "Yes."

CM: "Are you happy about this?"

TITLE: (GYPSUM FANTASTIC, Slaughterman)

GF: "Oh yes, yes."

CM: "Thank you so much for coming in. Thank you. So whatever you -"

GF: "Hello."

CM: "Er, hello. So whatever you forget about tonight's programme, remember this."

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (David Jatt and Carla Lane)

DJ: "Introduction time, let's talk about cows. This, is the grave, of a cow. As you will see, it was killed in unnecessary pain, by a man. I think we agree with that don't we Carla?"

CL: "I agree, yes."

DJ: "If we think it's bad in this country, if we think it's bad in Europe - it's worse in Libya. Take a look at this piece of VT."

CUT TO:

LIBYAN NEWS FOOTAGE (Libyan news footage of barbaric festivities)

DJ: "The men gather round and, finish it off with their feet, drag it through the town and, and leave it quite often to the jackals, and er, dogs. In fact the end word of this news report from the newsreader's mouth is "wow look at that dead bastard"."

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (David Jatt and Peregrine Worsthorne)

DJ: "That incident itself that we've just seen here, the Libyan cattle slaughter, right or wrong?"

PW: "Wrong."

(David moves the arrow on the table fully around to "wrong")

DJ: "That wrong?"

PW: "Yes, absolutely wrong."

CUT TO:

STUDIO: (David Jatt and Carla Lane)

DJ: "Okay yeah, you can kill the tape."

CL: "Oh yes please, kill the tape."

DJ: "Kill the tape."

CUT TO:

TELEPHONE CONVERSATION OVER CREDITS: (Mike Fox and Alexandra Paul)

AP: "Hi this is Alexandra Paul from Baywatch, please help me get Karla's head out of her guts now before she explodes."

MF: "Just imagine how she feels."

AP: "Oh gosh... you know -"

MF: "Oh goodness me! Goodness, I've just received this, now, a vet has managed to get in an hour ago -"

AP: "Uh-huh."

MF: "- and she managed to pull Karla's head out... oh god..."

AP: "What does it say?"

MF: "Her head came out but, it had shrunk, and it was now small and smooth and white."

AP: "And so did she put it back in?"

MF: "No she's walking around it says here with a small smooth white head about the size of a man's head."

AP: "God..."

MF: "She's got eyes... but she hasn't got any ears."

AP: "Oh..."

MF: "And it looks like one of our helpers Andrew Dean got sucked in..."

AP: "No!"

MF: "He's breathing through a tube!"

AP: "Oh jesus..."

MF: "And he's stuck inside!"

AP: "I I think you should get a press-release out."

MF: "Which paper would print it do you know?"

AP: "Well, you put it over A.P."

MF: "You put it over a pea?"

AP: "You put it over the wire services."

MF: "You put a wire over a pea?"

AP: "No no this is erm -"

MF: "Is it like a distribution pea? I phone up a pea, and I send it down the wire to the pea, and then the pea sends it out to all the newspapers."

AP: "... Yeeeah."

MF: "And thanks very much for your thoughts Alexandra."

AP: "Okay, and erm -"

MF: "I'll pass on your good wishes to all concerned particularly Andrew... If he's still going."

(Alexandra ends the call)

FIN