Set in Collieston in World War 2
(quiet evening in collieston, camera rolls over all the 'exciting'
things going on in what is quite clearly a hole. last thing it settles on is the phone box)
Narrator:
there is only one phone box in collieston. it is still
in perfect working order.
(Shots of peoples mouths jabbering into their phones)
despite an increase of mobile telephones globally, people in collieston
dont seem to have noticed. This is still the only phone line in the village, and their only contact with the outside world.
(person looking very conservative in the phone box, cant hear what
they're saying)
CUT TO inside phone box
random 1:
I dont care what time u said the shipment would get in
you're late! if i have to wait another day i'll fucking hunt down your family and slaughter them.
(listens)
Fuck you Miguel! This is the last time you're going to cross me!
(slams down reciever and comes out of phone box, draws a gun then walks
off screen)
narrator:
Of course there are many stories involving this phone
box, but this one is probably the dullest, and therefore easisest to make.
(andrew "main Character" Bobson, andy to his friends, very presentable
(for a colliestonian) and looking very pleased with himself. He is, Bob Geldof's Chief Action Ranger.)
andy:
(singin Dirty Diana, badly)
(strolls confidently up to the phone box and whips some change from
his pocket)
andy:
Hey honey, im going to be late home
(listens)
no ive
got the lube in my desk
(listens)
just borrow the neighbours!
(listens)
i guess ur right, ok i'll get one on the
way. Have we still got that tab with 'The Gimp Masks 'R' Us'?
(CUTS to andy's wife lying in bed, wearing all leather, getting serviced
by her lesbian friend)
andy's wife:
ok honey just remember, you must be home before nightfall,
for tonight is the 17th of October!
(cUTS To calender peeling dates and stops at 17th, with sinister music)
andy:
Ok honey. Tatty bye bye.
(andy hangs up, puts the phone down, plays with his ball, knocks phone
by accident and thousands of weebles fall out, like on that star trek episode)
(weebles no longer exist. about to leave,
phone rings!! Buh Bum!)
(CUTS To colin farrell's crotch, he wets himself)
(Back, andy pics up the phone)
andy:
listen honey, i'll be home in a bitch sec.
ned(standing on top of phone box):
oi you ye daffy bastar't. if
you come oot o' that phone box im ga fuckin chib ye.
andy:
(this section done as an incredibly poor voice over, which doesnt match
andy's mouth, andy leaves the box seamlessly, delivering his speech in a passionate rhetoric, then jumps to the middle of
the sand dunes)
who is this? Gérard Xavier Marcel Depardieu? Perhaps filmdom's most ungainly sex symbol? the popular and
prolific leading man who is equally comfortable as a lumbering, lovable lug, a menacing hulk, or a classical hero? Introduced
to American audiences as a wandering, nasty ne'er-do-well in Going Places, who also impressed moviegoers in Get Out Your Handkerchiefs,
The Last Metro, The Return of Martin Guerre, Jean de Florette, and The Possessed? Who, in June, wrote and directed an adaptation
of Tartuffe His American film debut, opposite Andie MacDowell in the romantic comedy Green Card, which failed to catapult
him to stateside stardom? Who, last month...(interuppted by Bob Geldof's action rangers, who smack him round the face, one
after the other, grunting like american football scum whilst jogging)
BGARs:
This is neither interesting nor-relevant, shoot ur dirty mouth.
(someone standing in background with a big sign saying "i'm paula yates")
andy:
shoot my mouth?
BGAR:
erm....yes
(andy now back in phone box, with batman interlude music)
ned:
wha' the fuck ye on ye stupit cunt?
andy:
what?
ned:
look min' if u come oot o' that phone box, i'll fucking chib ya'
andy:
where are you? who are you? (squealed like an ickle girl) whats going
on?! cuts to song "whats going on" for 17 secs.
ned:
listen mate, i da fuckin like ye'. I'm ga chib ye in the fuckin face
min.
andy:
please...dont
ned:
awite mate? top middle or bottom?
CUTS To on top of phone box, ned's licking a toad.
andy:
erm.......hi mikey. i thought u were in jail for raping that
boy in ur swimmin pool?
CUTS To Hitler, Zooms in to his face, and his Brain. War Room (ala Dr. Strangelove) in
Hitler's brain, Featuring Jesus, Moses, and Noah.
Noah:
Yo, yo. This shit is whack! shwizzle.
Moses:
Shut it Noah you big gay, you ain't hiphopin'
Jesus(extemely gay):
Guys....stop fighting (gay hand flick thingy)! How goes operation Phoneboxola?
Moses:
Like a Glove.
(evil laughter, zooms out to reveal jesus tied to a cross and being whipped, and quite clearly
loving it)
